Sometimes I confuse self-doubt for laziness and deem myself a princess of procrastination. I get an idea and begin these writing projects with achievable learning targets:
I CAN start them.
I CAN plan out the whole thing.
But, this one target just sort of pops up into the plan and I always seem to run with it:
I CAN sabotage myself.
Every. Single. Time.
I’ve got big dreams, real big dreams. My dreams sit in some proverbial cloud over my head. Much like the real cloud online. They are always there but sometimes you lose them, can’t find where you stored them in that gigantic, vast, imposing place.
I am always seeking time, for a reason to keep at it, for a reason not to follow through. It is like the most frustrating file search in the world where you just can’t find the right combination of words to get exactly what you are looking for.
There must be a support group for people like me…people that have big dreams but can’t make them happen. My cousin Carly tells me to manifest these dreams of mine…
The phone call, an unrecognizable number. I answer. It is an editor of a publishing house calling me. They like it. They want it. They need it.
The UPS box on my porch sits there nonchalantly. The craziness of arriving home with three kids, ages 10, 5, and 1 surrounds me. I block out the noise, what they want, what they need and open that box. My book. I cradle it in my arms, tears stream down my cheeks.
A local book store. Children have come to hear me speak. They like it.
I’ve got to think about some new learning targets to aim for…
I CAN try, and be less hard on myself in the process.
I CAN make time to write every day, but go easy on myself when I don’t.
I CAN make this happen.
That phone’s not gonna ring and that box isn’t gonna arrive, unless I just keep on writing…